As in diahorrea?
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Start using the curtains
This would be the gentlemanly solution, sadly in a Formica stink cupboard such luxuries are but a dream.
Can you still get the tracing paper we had at school back in the 70s. Must be illegal now, surely,
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Having four veggies in the house we need this
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I’ve given this topic some thought and feel that many are over thinking the art of wiping ones arse.
Here is a pictorial demonstration, using only one sheet of photocopy paper, kitchen roll or toilet paper. No animals were injured in producing this and HP sauce was substituted for real shit.
Those of a squeamish disposition, read no further .
1 Take a piece of paper and make a square of it.
2 Fold said square into a triangle.
3 Fold again into a smaller triangle.
4 tear the apex of the triangle from the paper and keep safe important. Between the teeth is probably the safest place.
5 Unfold double triangle and insert your finger through the apex aperture.
6 Stick finger up your arse and wipe, scratch but importantly clean your orifice.
7 Fold the paper around your finger, grip tightly and clean finger of any faecal remnants.
8 Dispose of paper square.
9 The apex triangle that you initially removed and clenched between your teeth for safety is now used, remove from teeth and use as per last photograph.
10 I know I’m a sick puppy and don’t expect this pictorial instruction to last long before it’s removed. I had fun though 
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Can’t this be merged with the pressure washer thread or at least be allowed to foment a discussion on the thorny issue of ‘Which Bidet?’
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Real men don’t wipe.
Just left it get dry and crusty, then when the inlaws come around, start picking and flicking*.
*after this there is unlikely to be an inlaw problem.
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…and so soon 
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Couldn’t be arsed to read the thread (as usual)
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