Also, may be worth contacting the Highways Agency. The techniques you are employing to achieve the ratio of grass blades to hard bald patches seems very similar to their central reservations.
Maybe worth scattering a few bits of litter and the obligatory length of cassette or video tape before taking the money shot tho. 
Contact @freefallrob as rumour has it he has some vids that he will not be needing for quite some time.
Can you kill Astro turf
Invite Liverpool FC to play on it, they can kill any ground they play.
Spin it right and he’ll pay five grand for the flowerpots
Tell him they’re tractrix.
VB
I’m so over tractrix.
What’s with the Rubik cubes?
Tank traps, mate. Tank traps.
Is he still the quarterback for the Miami dolphins?
They’re going to be buttresses for Bob’s garden walls. Then he’ll be able to remove the various hoes, rakes, short pieces of 3x1 etc which are currently propping them up.
VB
The sacrificial altar installed. I do so hope these Kadai fire bowls are still the preserve of the middle class and that the minions buy cheap knock offs.
Do those planters have Travis Perkins printed on them by any chance? 
I think these ones were courtesy of a skip at Dong.
I like those green poppies you have growing in the planter Bob - where do you get them?
4 fucking hours of back breaking labour in the garden. Trimming hedges, grubbing out shit and planting stuff. It looks like we’ve done fuck all.
I hate gardening 
Top tip if you want a nice garden with minimum effort … marry a gardener 
There are downsides though, like Beech Grove Garden on at 7am on a Sunday morning 
