In times where the ‘buffoon is king’, self-preservation spurs the blessed to instruct the backward.
Stronzetto, as you likely ken, is the pinnacle of pillock. His soul as deep as a puddle, his internal impetus a gloopy pickle of adhesive misfortune and Highway code confusion. The essence of the man was once best described in a local crime report as: ‘A man devoid of gorm’
Charitably I have undertaken to instruct my ‘Brazil nut’ in the craft of un-gentlemanly conduct. The cultivation of a well-woven inner life erupting with warped orgasmic panache and honed carnal wisdom in such a specimen may strike lesser men as a non-starter. No so! Time attests ‘le carrot au stick’ has proven it’s worth from the divine to the bovine. As the masters of Eaton maintain, “Buggery and birch bear the richest fruit.”
It is not that Stronzetto is particularly loyal; indeed he who holds the glue bag tethers his soul. Nevertheless, his anus has an unfathomable capacity for concealing contraband and my sentimental side (I note with measured shame) has come to regard his singular damned red eye with somewhat of a shine. Assisting one of nature’s worst wonders to achieve the odd gallop or two is the least I can do. Buddha would approve non?.
Day 1- Assessment:
Stronzetto, what is your technique for seducing the female?
“ Sometimes at 3am I collapse in bushes near the Copacabana, when drunken ladies come, sometimes they wee or sick on me.” A promising start Stronzetto, intoxication is the first tool in the bottom feeder’s arsenal. Where you seem to be going wrong is in all other respects… You conk out in a bush, no doubt glue bag to hand, and get pissed on. “Yes” and this is the extent of your carnal knowledge? “Yes.” Stronzetto I am going out on a limb here, are you familiar with the birds and the bees? “One stings and the other one shits from above”. It could be argued Stronzetto’s synopsis of love is of deep symbolic significance. This would be lunacy, the man is but one evolutionary judder from plankton and as such it becomes clear his tuition will very much begin at the beginning.
Day 2 – Know Your Quarry
A hunter is most efficient if he has the wherewithal to ‘read’ his prey. In translation for the chasm between your ears, identifying the right kind of woman can save you a good deal of energy. Energy you would doubtless wish to spend snuffling from your glue bag. Stronzetto, the eyes are peepholes to the soul, note them well. I will now show you three sets of female eyes and I want you to tell me what you can deduce regarding each woman’s capacity for deviancy.
“I think number one is nice and kind and will make nice cuddle” Oh you do, do you? “Ahoowwww.” Stronzetto I have beaten you with my shoe because number 1 is ‘Femina max maintenance’. The likelihood of prolonged perversions with this woman are minus nil. Her eyes scream ‘Meet my parents, impress my friends, do you like children?’. Do you see?
“Number 2 is very cross, like I glued her bum to chair and stole handbag.” Ah! We are getting closer – Indeed this is the look of a woman who will doubtless get you in a headlock and demand anal as you are no use to no cunt. Know it and understand it Stronzetto this is the look of a woman with a concrete labia – she will hurt and scratch you. This is precisely what you are looking for.
“Number 3 looks like she found me hiding under her bed.” Stronzetto your responses are telling but what I am interested in is do you believe this woman is fit for the tupping? “No, I think this lady will soon shout ‘police’ and run making big screaming” – Marvellous Stronzetto your membership to the secret cervix ebbs ever closer.
Day 3. Mind Control
Stronzetto, once you have determined your sport it is essential to arrest their very being. - Arouse the mind and ungodly nature will conjure the rest. Here is a crayon, you will now write from the bowels of your essence a scintillating poem laced with taboo invitation and seminal excitement!
Stronzetto I am swayed and deeply stirred, whispering such words in the ear of a woman with your adhesively husky tone will send her quim-a- quiver!
Day 4. Music And Prance.
Stronzetto, women folk respond rabidly to rhythm. It is a marked law that lady people believe a man makes love in the manor he prances. Know this! And note this further, the secret instruments designed to excite the greatest rapture are the: ‘primeval drum’ and the ‘ethereal flute’. Combine these sounds with certifiable pumping pelvis avec whispered poetry and you will be galloping at their backsides as would Jehu. Here is a short film, study it well.
Day 5. Meditation
Stronzetto, contemporary clods place great stock in ‘meditation and mindfulness’. They seem to peg wonderment and meaning to such ‘practices’ because they simply do not understand what these words mean. Simply put, they mean ‘Pay fucking attention without getting distracted’. With that said there are some practices that do endow the practitioner with a blossoming inner world. At their height the doors to the mind garden swing akimbo. Stronzetto, “Ahhwwoo”. Step away from the glue bag - I am imparting sacred wisdom that you will barely be able to grasp if you continue to suckle and snort from Evo’s teat! Good, now pay attention. Pranayama breathing is the practice of forcibly inhaling and exhaling fully from the diaphragm at no less than 100 inhalations per minute. Watch this film and follow it’s instruction.
Stronzetto, having observed your practice I am most encouraged, perhaps years of hoofing glue have served a higher purpose – you’re a natural. I could almost hear your destitute gardens song before me.
With Stronzetto’s instruction shaping up so admirably I feel the time will soon come for field-testing. In the mean time I must travel to the mind garden for masturbatory rejuvenation!