He should be for that 
Whatâs the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?
A goldfish mucks about in fountains.
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In the same vein:
Whatâs the difference between Jamie Oliver and a long distance run?
Oneâs a pant in the country.
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âŚor a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
One shoots but canât hitâŚ
Youâd better not be âhere all dayâ 
Yep, here all day to entertain you bruv 
Great 
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And the difference between a dachshund and a market trader?
The market trader bawls out his wares on the streetâŚ
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with becoming a detective.
âI think we should split upâ, she said.
âGood ideaâ, I replied, âWe can cover more ground that wayâ.
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Another sent to me this morning. This is a new take on an extremely old joke-
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. âI want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your titsâ he says. âYou dirty git,â shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband.â
The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. âI want to pull your knickers down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all offâ he said
"You dirty filthy pervert. Youâre banned. Get out.â she storms.
Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. âOne more chanceâ says the barmaid. âNow - what do you want?â
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop."
The barmaid was furious with his personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, whoâs sitting quietly watching the telly.
âWhatâs up, love?â he asks.
âThereâs a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat offâ she says.
âIâll kill him. Where is he?â storms the husband.
âThen he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it offâ she screams.
âRight. Heâs deadâ says the husband, reaching for his cricket bat.
âThen he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it allâ she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.
âArenât you going to do something about it?â she cries hysterically.
âLook, love - Iâm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of fucking Guinness!â
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