The return of shit joke thread (incorporating the humour toilet) and mainly reposts of shit from Twitter


#1114

Ffs…give the guy a break…

…give him a Kit Kat !


#1115

Well, 2 fingers anyway :roll_eyes:


#1116

Gotta watch those milky bars
penis-chocolate01


#1117

IMG-20180301-WA0007


#1118

From my daughter. These jokes, I’m told are hysterical amongst linguists.

This morning’s lesson for my grammatically correct friends…

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out – we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar – fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.


#1119

“intensive purposes” ???

I would have thought a linguist would know better


#1120

Thats why it’s a malapropism


#1121

This is surprisingly good. It is almost funny.


#1122

That one is my favourite


#1123

I had to look up ‘Chiasmus’ :frowning_face:


#1124

I had to look up most of the words!


#1125

image


#1126

Fxt for me


#1127

Weren’t they the Finnish one hit wonders with dodgy hair?


#1128

Surprisingly enough I learnt a lot of English Grammar when doing O Level Latin at school.
The mad and scary Irish teacher that we had despaired of our ‘modern’ English curriculum where we didn’t know how to parse a sentence, I think he spent as much time teaching us English as he did Latin.

Conversely the English teacher was fixated with Chaucer which had to be read in the original and translated.
I sometimes wondered which one was the ‘foreign’ language.


#1129

… owned by a man …

VB


#1130

Good spot, a career in proof reading looms…


#1131

Same here!


#1132

I have an unusually acute eye for detail. Not much else. But detail … yes. It comes in handy sometimes.

VB


#1133

Apparently not when there is sharp metal about though :smirk: