The return of shit joke thread (incorporating the humour toilet)



And if instruments are alive this

is against the Geneva Convention.


lay off the cheese man.


Two things happened today:
First, I discovered I can fit 4 ring doughnuts around my erect penis
And Second, I’m now banned from Greggs.



that is some serious shit - whatever next? A duck has swum in my Buxton Water.


Why did I read that as ‘buxom’? …


It’s not an April Fools joke in some part of the world is it?:clown_face:


Old as them thar hills, but…

"An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”


For sale

Dead budgie

Not Going cheep


Q: What`s the difference between engagement and haemorrhoids?
A: When the haemorrhoids are over you at least get the ring back.


As we seem to be digging them up fro the cemetery…

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and Irishman were captured while fighting in a far off foreign land and the leader of the captors said "We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you can each make a final request."
The Scotsman says "I’d like to hear the Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on the bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."
The Irishman says "I’d like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell with the Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune,"
The Welshman says "I’d like to hear Men of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."
The English man says “I’d like to be shot first.”


Allow me to react through the medium of emojis:

:coffin: :cross::toilet::poop: but mostly :toilet:.


If the Daleks had smarts, they’d have known it was game over at five minutes.

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it.”


Time to see the dogtor.



Surely if it was praying it should be a God call?



A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.She slept with one of her patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession she loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice lady and a brilliant vet.