The return of shit joke thread (incorporating the humour toilet)


#286

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18118866_1410219195724425_6974186389059713246_n.jpg?oh=2391c40f5f443df404ba435d7332a13d&oe=598D90E1


#287

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18274760_1266357706815555_1418002402125609643_n.jpg?oh=3333d7fd8e1cb93cea712d428d2f1908&oe=59878549


#288

Terry, words fail me. Here is a picture instead:


#289

.

Love the Queens face.


#290


#291

My uncle once told me the first rule of theatre is always leave them wanting more…
Great bloke…
Terrible anaesthetist…


#292

FIXT


#293

Fixt??? Feck off, that was so old and dilapidated there was no fixing it, short of sending in the vet to put it out of our misery.

:grin:


#294

#295

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

He said, “If you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly run.

:thinking:


#296

At the funeral of one of the ‘most effective’ traffic wardens in the country, the coffin was being lowered into the ground.

Suddenly, a voice could be heard coming from inside the coffin: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead! Let me out!”

The officiating vicar smiled, leaned forward and sucked air through his teeth.

“Too fucking late, mate. I’ve already done the paperwork.”


#297


#298

Isn’t that what his, now deceased, half brother was doing?


#299

#300

The Highways Agency found over two hundred dead crows on the M4 near Slough recently, and there was immediate concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

… They discovered that whilst all the lookout crows could shout “Cah!” - not a single one could shout “Lorry!”


#301

Could we have a neg rep button please?


#302

:+1: Fixt in the context of some recent efforts in this excess of excrescence masquerading as a shit joke thread…


#303

Fuck you ! It’s all you deserve :angry:


#304

Oooh we are a bit touchy tonight aren’t we? That kind of thing won’t go down well at the grotto :santa:. How do you know it was your ‘joke’ I was referring to? You are not all overcome with guilt about it, are you?

:smirk:

(you fucking should be)


#305

I knew it was a shit joke. 'Tis why it appeared in this thread :unamused: