Ooh, I can’t ait to see what genre of music he chooses.
Hope it’s reggae…
It’s still Thursday
I’m getting ahead of myself with excitement…
You were premature.
Nothing new there
Is that some sort of confession?
Fool should have waited until she’d phoned him to say she’d arrived at work
My wife drives a Peugeot. Breakdowns are inevitable.
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017
“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change” - Ken Cheng
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” - Frankie Boyle
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” - Alexei Sayle
“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” - Lew Fitz
“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” - Andy Field
“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” - Mark Simmons
“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” - Jimeoin
“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” - Ed Byrne
“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” - Olaf Falafel
“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!”’ - Alasdair Beckett-King
“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” - Angela Barnes
“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” - Adele Cliff
“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” - Phil Wang
“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” - Adam Hess
“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” - Tim Vine
Sheriff to bartender: "I’ve just thrown a cowboy into jail wearing a paper shirt"
Bartender: "Gee, what for Sheriff?"
Carbon dating required on aisle 3
Jim, you are a much better, project manager, than you are, a stand-up comedian!
Nice use of comma’s there