I was going to go with ‘Minion Impossible’, but yeah - OK. 
It’ll be Christmas here soon, so I’ll wish y’all my best wishes for the season, and leave with this:
Have a good 'un.
A bloke phones his boss and says "Sorry boss I can’t come to work today because I’m sick "
The boss replies angrily, "Oh bloody hell, not again! How sick are you?"
To which the bloke responds, “Well I’m in bed with my Gran.”
Be careful out there on the roads. Loads of people are drinking too much and letting their wives drive.
My wife says I have two faults.
I don’t listen, and… Something something something…
Several days after Christmas, Dolores who is a mother was cooking in the kitchen listening to her young son who is playing with his new electric train in the living room.
Dolores heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
Dolores went nuts and told her son Lucas, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for Three hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later,Lucas comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and Dolores heard her son say, “All passengers who are step on to land from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
Dolores hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to entrench all of your hand luggage under your seat.Please do not forget, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, Lucas added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the three hours delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
That used to be one of my “party” jokes (with a slight change to language).
Along with several which would now get my locked up behind bars 
A wealthy old man goes for his regular round of bowling with his mates but this time he brings along a beautiful young lady.
“Guys,meet my prospective bride” he says,full of pride as he introduces her to his friends.
For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the charming beauty.
After the round of bowling the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.
One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him,”How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young woman? You’re sixty seven.She must be at least forty years younger than you!”
The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”
His friend says,”And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”
“I told her I was ninety five.”
One particular day Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, Albert tells his driver that he looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. Always same types around and I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could talk at the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual statement, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein.He hopes Einstein won’t be able to respond his question. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”