Find him a job e.g. one that involves him standing elsewhere in the house keeping his finger over an open rad bleed valve so he can let air in and out, but only when you shout to him to do so. When he gets bored with that send him to the plumber’s merchants for something trivial that you need urgently.
VB
So you don’t have sugar in your tea then?
If only Graeme. I’ve already fielded questions about how Worcester manufacture their heat exchangers and back-heeled him to their tech people.
Alas, I fear he will be in amongst it, checking and commenting and poking and generally wearing a spick and span boiler suit. I bet a steel rule will be out before 10am.
Plan B then. Turn up pretending to be coming down with the flu. First symptom will be ear problems which will mean you’ve had to plug them with cotton wool. Sneeze noisily.
VB
got a house valued as trying to persuade family to buy it rather than rent
and met with absolutely delightful lady from the co-op to arrange funeral plans [not for me I hasten to add] . amazingly you get a 125 pound discount if you arrange before the the end of November ! costs a lot to die these days
Ah yes, the impending tax changes for landlords must be an enormous worry
I’ve told my lot not to waste money on a funeral, just dispose of the meat in the most economical fashion. Donate me for dissection or to a body farm or whatever. It’s a shame it’s illegal to chuck me on a bonfire.
I’ve threatened to cone back and haunt them if they make too much of a fuss. I fully expect them to crack open the bubbly to celebrate the fact that they’re rid of me, but any maudlin shit will result in some poltergeist action…
Surely rocking up with his part-filled Scat Bucket’ll take care of things?
Developing a coping mechanism.
Watching Brexiteers go into meltdown;
I remember the stories that my medic friends shared about their bodies: if you donate your body to medical science, it will probably end up frozen and explored gradually over several years by a medical student. What could be better?
I fart in your general direction 
Was that picture taken through your helmet?
Reiki & Chakra balancing offered.
Hmm I’m expecting to see a beatific countenance & a fully formed halo when you come round later. 
Wonder if that will sort the Astra pulling to one side?
That’s torque steer from the torques 
Happy ending? 
Sadly I had to switch to manual when I got home. I did learn today that sleeping on a heated massage bed is ace.
If the exploration is by a pretty female nurse that’ll be a posthumous bucket list tick…
