Fatberg of utter drivel and fekin' fish puns a.k.a Jim's jokes (Part 1)

[2a3]

[Mrs_Maureen_OPinion]

I only wish it existed - I might actually get something done…

[J_B]

[htm_1968]

Possibly should have put this in the watches thread but I don’t want to raise the tone of that particular dumpster fire…

[Mrs_Maureen_OPinion]

As I’m getting-on a bit, and starting to be more aware of my own mortality, I asked our vicar if I would go to hell for all the bad things I’ve done.
Vicar: Let me tell you a secret, hell isn’t so bad. Do you drink?
Me: I rarely stop!
Vicar: Well on Mondays It’s open bar night, all the booze you want, all night long, get wrecked, shit-yourself drunk - not even a hangover!

Vicar: Do you do drugs?
Me: Damn right, whenever I can get 'em!
Vicar: on Tuesdays: all the drugs you want, pills, powders, poppers, shoot-up, drop-out, get spannered: no chance of OD-ing!

Vicar: Do you gamble?
Me: Love it, the horses, the footy, I’d bet on the length of my next turd - you name it!
Vicar: On Wednesdays: casino, bookies, Russian-roulette if you want - go nuts, gamble all you like, spaff away £millions - no consequences!

Vicar: Are you Gay?
Me: Hell NO!
Vicar: Oh dear. You’re not going to like Thursdays…

[Professor_Chaos]

[johnny_s]

I’d like to be able to say that the biblical story came to mind when I saw the name, but it didn’t, just a rude chuckle.

[Mrs_Maureen_OPinion]

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

[MGOwner]

[J_B]

[TMC]

Jesus man, pretty sure they found that one etched on the back of Noah’s Ark

[2a3]

Noah threw it overboard, complaining he didn’t need old shit like that taking up valuable space.

[Mrs_Maureen_OPinion]

[htm_1968]

This never fails to amuse me, despite the age and frequency of appearance. It is something of a classic.

[MrKettle]

@TMC

Jesus man, pretty sure they found that one etched on the back of Noah’s Ark

As a justification for the destruction of all of mankind.

[J_B]

[MJ2]

Nicked that

[MrKettle]

[mickbald]

[pbg]

Never mind the balloons?

(Your autocorrect may vary)