5 Likes
I’ve had enough of Christmas.
All year long I work my fucking fingers to the bone to buy all the presents my kids ask for, and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all of the credit for it. 
Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
17 Likes
Apart from the first caption, I can identify with this. Being blamed for something you know absolutely jack shit about is so un pc.
Your Honour roll tonight.
If that’s on the sofa and he’s playing with the cat… 
3 Likes
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, left hand 
2 Likes
Per-fucking-fection!
1 Like
you really dont know how close to the truth that might be!
1 Like
I can finally see a reason for having cats in the house, however briefly.
1 Like
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, ‘Jesus, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies.
‘You actually understood and answered me. !’
‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird’
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. ‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?’
‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you.?’
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’
The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!’
The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the Parcel Force delivery man.’
‘What are you talking about,?’ asks the guy.
‘When the Parcel Force man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’
‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the Parcel Force man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him.?’
‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’
Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’
DUNNO?!? I got a boner, and fell off my perch.!’
6 Likes
Carbon dating required 
1 Like
I’d recommend not around Jim…
1 Like