The RSPB will be on me.
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You are the last person I would expect to have to report to the RSPB.
Edit: what Mark said with less typing time.
Are you warming them in an oven before eating or going full cold clag?
The Sainsbury’s ones? I feel like setting fire to them.
I like to go with a cold pie for testing purposes.
A warm pie and half a pot of cream is cheating.
Eat one cold for testing yes but not the other 5. 
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Cover the fuckers in clotted cream
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This thread
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'tis a soothing balm.
Method:
Heat oven to 180
Place pies on a tray & pop them in the oven for 8 mins
Remove from oven and place all the pies in a bowl
Take a potato masher and go banzai: 1-2 mins if you like a little bite 3+ for a smooth velvety texture
Add 1/2 pint of double cream and mash again (Food blender may be OK, not tried a coffee grinder?)
Find a huge spoon / trowel
Hide in the corner of your house least likely to be observed
Do the lot whilst making snuffling noises.
Pie pate is reserved for the refined gentleman, the man with cheap pies or people with duff dentistry.
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You disgust me, you piece of shit.
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My purpose, revealed.
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Can we just set aside the facade anyone on here can forgo temptation. You will of course experiment with the pate, guiltily and secretly… Just like the last time you put your finger up your bum bum.
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I will be entering the pie fray next weekend
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I tried these two.
Deep filled NOT! Pastry too thick, little filling and bland.
Mini’s a bit better, but not much.
One with stars on top the other dubbed ‘Mini’. Doomed to fail.
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100%
Now you just sound like a Casual…
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So, since I was apparently born to suffer at my own hands: these -
£2 for 6.
Adequate: cooked-through pastry with acceptable texture, not much sugar on top, moist fill.
Inadequate: oversweet filling, 2/3s full case, granular sugar on top, stupid fucking hole in the lid, and a bloody weird filling-aftertaste of Gestetner fluid!
If you’re old enough to know what that is, you’ll recognise it instantly.
If you’re not: a mix of acetone, dry-cleaning fluid, and warm news-print.
Put it this way, I ate one. Then stopped.
Yes.
Stopped.
Me.
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Still saving myself for 1st December but I’m surprised no one’s yet tried the Heston Waitrose perversions. May have to give those a go. Embark on the full, self flagellating, Opus Dei style Advent. Hair shirt, barbed wire waistcoat & Heston ‘pies’.
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