State the facts in brief regarding your qualifications and experience.
Research the company a bit and write interestingly about what made you apply - if can’t feel and communicate your interest ask yourself why you’re applying in the first place (unless it’s because you’re penniless and starving).
I can also offer my proofing service
That’s helpful, thanks
I think I’ll start with 3 bullet points each for why I want the job and why they want me tailored to the advert, then flesh that out and edit
Finish with “Boomshanka, etc…”?
Always finish with a song,this should nail it;
I was taught to do four paragraphs:
Brief as possible & to the point. As the others have said, no flab & certainly no clichés.
Ignore all this so-called “advice” - get a whole fleet of underage ladyboys to get the top brass into some severely compromising polaroids - then mail them some photocopies, and then just rock up and tell them how much they’ll be paying you and what you’ll be doing when and if you can be arsed to come in 
I always wondered how Jeremy Hunt kept his job.
VB
Do you do CVs as well?
Are we back in 1983?
Portable telephones have cameras these days, and connect to the Internet to enable far more efficient blackmailing options.
Ah, sorry, I forgot, Lincolnshire. As you were
You should know, by now, that he relates best to fossils.
Silly person - FAR too easily traced! Old skule = best skule.
Needs a blackmail note pasted together from bits of newspaper print for maximum 1970s extortion credits.
stationery
Not all cupboards are stationary:
company’s, or possibly companies’
Sounds like a dealerscum chatup 
Do not interruptz a man’z conscious flow of passionately sculpted application with petti trifles. It is my buziness to be understood by mankind. As you clearly comprehended the thrust of my purpose, I see no valid reason to pick nits in it’s magnificent wake.
May I ask how you profit from pedantry? Does it imbue you with superiority to manhandle meaning into it’s ‘correct’ piffling box? How fulfilling, pray continue to congratulate yourselves on your conformity! Meantime I am now a titan of industry, underlings clamor to kiss the hem of my cape and steal a whiff of my musk. I will continue to stride boldly unconstrained by language or underpantz and bathe in Schumann’s vivid glory. Youz fucks can insert yourselves into your own pigging rectums.
Would you like large fries with that?
lol
