ok I drive a black Merc convertible with black wheels. Which I’ve named Elvira so it’s fitting although bloody annoying that spiders seem to love the sodding thing. Every day I go out in the morning and it looks like it’s been ram raided through Shelobs lair where some weird spider web bukkake party has been held.
Does anyone have any recommendations to keep the bloody things off my car. Ideally a product I can wash the car with or spray on or something. No I’m not going to machine polish it with brake fluid or some weird concoction of tea tree and cinnamon. Spider fucker 3000 or nothing please?
I’ve got spiders on the outside and the inside of the truck, and I’m arachnophobic, but I’m pleased to say that I’ve found a simple, easy, flawless, bulletproof solution to the problem:
I man the fuck up.
I mean jesusfuckingchrist you massive blousewearing la-la girlyman, they’re only diddy little things
My Nan used to put conkers all over the house to “put off bastard spiders” - I like the idea of a Merc covered in conkers it has textural appeal. I now want a finger of fudge, which again would be excellent - If I had any.
There’s a Conker tree round the back of us. I’m sure the neighbors will raise an eyebrow when I start hurling sticks at it. I may even rant incoherently at it just for effect.
My son is absolutely shit scared of spiders. When he enters a room, he always hesitates in the doorway, to check the corners , and all around the windows before entering. He won’t go in if he can see one, and it doesn’t matter how big it is. A minute spider can send him into a blind panic.
Glad he isn’t the only one! Last winter on the way to school one day, country road, pouring with rain, one crept out of his coat sleeve onto his knee. He absolutely lost it, and Kerri nearly lost the car, he went so berserk. They got soaking wet while she coaxed him back in, and he couldn’t wear the coat for months afterwards. It isn’t funny, he absolutely freaks out.
A praying mantis fell from the awning above a Spanish shop window into her hair when I was a kid - With the speed of Jehu she was in the road, tossed her handbag up the street and starting to turbo strip - cars, people, pretty much everyone ground to a halt to watch the impromptu screaming body-popping exhibition. I’m grateful I’ve not inherited this phobia, curiously I remain deeply suspicious of awnings however. Go figure.
