Not having turkey then?
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Beef all the way, rib me thinks.
No fucking cinnamon on anything, fuck that!
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Pro tip with anyone who has family visiting,if there is a lull in the conversation,bring up brexit
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Might be difficult, I’m having trouble swallowing it in the first place.
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Nah, it’s overrated 
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I’ll see your Brexit and raise you a “hands up who’s flown half way round the world to get raped”
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Good stuff, that’s a fair point. My gravy (fnar) is of the Goldielocks variety, neither too thin nor too gloopy.
I will be deliberately offending the traditionalists and meat gorgers this Christmas (as usual).
Daughter is the only dinner guest (possibly her friend who will have been on night shift in Birmingham as a nurse and might join us).
I will do some massive fried breakfast and serve it with Bucks Fizz and probably port. Then we’ll open presents.
Prep for dinner will begin straight afterwards, as will the steady consumption of red wine and more port. The level of inebriation has a direct bearing on what time dinner is actually served.
Dinner will be -
Halloumi pigs in harissa spiced aubergine blankets with a pomegranate salsa - served with some kind of champagne cocktail
Main will be a homemade pastry wellington made with mushrooms and chestnuts topped with Camembert all sat on a port and cranberry sauce base.
(Dogs will have roast chicken breasts).
Roast spuds, parsnips, Yorkshire puds and other assorted veg etc with some homemade stuffing that I haven’t concocted yet.
Pudding will have been organised but either too full to put it in the oven or too pissed to remember and it will burn slowly into something resembling coal. Cue homemade tiramisu in reserve.
The variety of booze that has been served at each course will then take effect and a short nap will be required. After which the board games will come out.
In-laws will come round for about 7 or 8pm, at which point the booze fest will continue and games will be played until everyone is too pissed to concentrate - I have an electronic horse racing game and a jar of money for just this occasion.
Various nibbles and bite size nonsense will be provided for grazing purposes.
Continue drinking till passed out 
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9 here Christmas day. Me and the guvnor, both daughters and 5 grandkids. Both daughters are divorced.
Grub will be beef, lamb, pork, chicken but not turkey as no one likes it much. Loadsa veg and then even more loadsa more puddings.
Few hours later it be Christmas tea cold meat etc etc.
Can’t wait
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We’re at the in-laws. She’s a shit cook; while she says she likes veg slightly crunchy she does them for her husband, who likes everything mushy. Once at mine she insisted on having the onion and carrot that had cooked for two hours to make stock, didn’t want it to go to waste, bet that was nice. The meat will be overcooked, the juices thrown away and the gravy made from granules and the roast potatoes unseasoned.
I won’t talk about food much.
That said she’s lovely - so kind and warm with the kids.
Father in law is a cantankerous old fart. The best option is that he’ll have left out his hearing aid, and everyone will simply ignore him. He likes it that way, and so does everyone else. I won’t be talking Brexit with him. Interestingly, he keeps detailed photo albums of his sons, documenting their lives and achievements, but doesn’t do this with my wife because, well, lack of penis. Cunt.
I can never reconcile the above with the amount of time he spends doing loads of stuff for charity, visiting forces widows all over the area and making a genuine difference to many people’s lives.
Basically, I shall be picking my conversations carefully.
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Interestingly, he keeps detailed photo albums of his sons, documenting their lives and achievements, but doesn’t do this with my wife because, well, lack of penis. Cunt.
Fuck me, that’s terrible. And I had really shit in laws. Never one to miss the opportunity to fuck things up because of principals up I wouldn’t let the cunt in my house or go to his.
Probably just the four of us here, and requests for more food than we can eat in a week, and that with me at pre-surgery eating capacity. As it is I won’t even eat as much as the 5 year old
The boys have largely picked the menu, so it will be tuna mayo starter, the the usual assorted bollocks of turkey, not-quite-gammon (because France), pigs in blankets, pork, lemon and thyme stuffing, roast potatoes, assorted other veg, and sprouts so that the wench can stink the house out as badly as the dog.
There are calls for a French Bouche de Noel to go alongside a plum pudding, but I’m not sure I can be arsed with that so mostly hoping everyone forgets about it.
None of us can drink due to meds (or age), so I will no doubt be punching walls by about 14:00 and the boys will be tearing the shit out of everything in a sugar fuelled rampage.
God I hate Christmas, it really is as shit as can possibly be.
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Goose here but I’m really not in the mood for any of it this year. Too much domestic hassle; ceilings & road accidents not to mention the ongoing political car crash 24/7. Be glad when it’s over tbh. Bah humbug.
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There’ll be trouble if I don’t get to watch the blu-ray of Where Eagles Dare at 3pm.
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I’m really not into Christmas, never have been during my entire adult life.
I don’t mind the binge eating, drinking and general slovenliness of the day itself, but I do dislike the interminable lead up and general expectation from people that you will send cards, buy presents, invite people over for drinks (won’t be happening here) and, of course, the sheer commercialisation of the whole thing.
The fucking house looks like Santa’s grotto, including FOUR trees of various sizes and complexity as well as enough lights in the living room to light up the Sydney Opera House, along with more garlands and assorted tat than John Lewis.
Bah humbug indeed!
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We have a son, two close friends and a six month old springer puppy visiting for 3 or 4 days.
It won’t be totally relaxing but probably it will be fun.
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You will love it you miserable cunt.
Meh- ry Christmas
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I’m prepping most of my stuff in advance (cured salmon starter, roasties tomaz, then in the freezer ready for reheat, confit duck leg, sous vide duck breasts, sauce, carrott purree) … other than PiB’s and the sprout salad to do on the day, it’s all just reheat / sautee. Chill, Winston
Obvioulsy, I’ll still hang out in the kitchen getting pissed though from breakfast onwards, but there’ll be a lot less to faff about with
I am not feeling very meh about Christmas. I am full of the joys of Christmas. Got ourselves a lovely real tree, that now has lots of presents under it. Been to 3 carol singing things, and enjoyed myself immensely. Last few hours of work this year.