Fatberg of utter drivel and fekin' fish puns a.k.a Jim's jokes (Part 1)

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One for @coco

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The Credible Hulk . . .

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Jesus loves you (long time)?

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One for @MGOwner

At the job interview I was asked, " Whats your full name? "

" It’s Peter Fucking Bastard Pissflaps Smith. "

The interviewer asked, "Do you suffer from tourettes Peter? "

" No " I replied, " But the vicar at my Christening did!

He then asked if I had any health issues -

" As it happens, I suffer from Narcolepsy-triggered Tourette’s "

" How might that manifest itself in the workplace? " he enquired.

" If you wake me up, I’ll tell you to fuck off. "

I still got the job!

I love working for London Underground…

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Not a million miles from the truth :unamused:

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Welcome to HMRC online.

Please enter your login.

Now your Gateway ID.

Password please.

Now user ID.

Government ID please.

Enter a code we’ve texted your old phone.

There’s a scroll in your garden. Find it.

Latin name for fox.

Your name in Sanskrit.

176th digit of Pi.

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Trouble is this is not a joke.

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You are correct, it’s not remotely funny - it’s a way to boost income by issuing fines to people bamboozled by a deliberately opaque and obfuscatory system.

These cunts deserve a place in the Cockpunching Hall of Fame.

Just one more example of doing stuff on the cheap I’m afraid. It’s like all that 2FA wank that the banks are wasting their money and our time with. If the first security system you build turns out to be half-assed and fragile then what you should do is replace it with one which is more robust but no more complex (8-digit password, at least one cap, one number, one non-alphanumeric, lock the user out after 30 failed login attempts - no computer’s going to guess it in 30 goes). But no. What we do is leave the old flaky layer and pile another equally flaky layer on top. Repeat, and repeat, and repeat … by the time you’ve got half a dozen of these cowpats in a heap the level of security can be nearly as good as if you’d done it properly once. Navigating the ‘It’s a KnockOut’ course you’ve built is a complete arse for the user. But so what ?

VB

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Incompetence > conspiracy always, and demonstrably true, but it’s also the case that an awful lot of different businesses make a lot of money from things like delay-related surcharges and from so-called “help” lines - whose chief purpose is to keep the service user separated from problem resolution for as long as possible while the premium-rate lines rack-up their profits.

Just try getting help from any bank, any insurer, any software company, any online business, any telecoms or broadband provider, &c. ad naus. Incompetence is always there, but so is an incredibly cynical business model where they have found a way to reward themselves for constant failure… For some of them it’s probably the most profitable part of the business.

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@Jim

I would say that figure of 90% is conservative - after 25 years of kleptomanical accumulation, 99% is probably more accurate… :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

And if, by some miracle, you guess right, we’ll wait a random number of years and retrospectively change the rules