As the child of two people with severe depression, including suicide attempts, I can tell you I am much happier they are still around. No matter how bad it could be.
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Sorry to hear you’re finding it tough right now Paul. Keep talking and keep venting, everyone on here will help you and try to help you get through it even if just in small ways.
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Thanks everyone, and thank you for the message and sharing Paul.
I have been close to this many times in my life
Years of therapy and a big enough collection of assorted anti depressants to open a pharmacy. I’ve never found an anti-D that raised my mood in fact a few had induced psychosis. What I need is sleep. I’ve never been a great sleeper and have in times past relied on drugs to knock me out, being an aging, physically knackered old git they are no longer an option. Currently I’m sleeping less than an hour a night if at all and when I do nod off I’m often woken by my recurring childhood nightmare of being hunted through dark frightening landscapes ending in a cliff top fall. Or worse, relived experiences of being raped and tortured as a young child.
Both of which leave me screaming and my wife in shock.
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I was identifying with that bit big time (and fucknose lockdown is making it much worse), and then I read the rest. Fucking hell mate. Get on the blower to someone better qualified. I’ve no idea what treatments you’ve sought over the years (and I do know very well how hard it is getting your shit together to seek help when the black dog has you in its jaws), but this one needs some long-term therapy it seems to me.
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Please speak with you doctor, especially about the sleep issue as it makes everything worse.
A good friend was struggling recently and had similar sleep problems, doc gave him a specific anti-histamine that helped when taken at night but did not cause problems like some sleep inducing medications do and can be taken longer term.
If you are unable to speak with your therapist then maybe these people can help.
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It’s hard to know what to say here, but you’re not the only one struggling with a lot of things right now. Lots of people are finding it hard, it’s not just you. Please call your doctor as soon as you can, they are there to help - they can get you signed off work, which sounds like it’s necessary right now, and should be able to get you something to help you to sleep.
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Been there Paul. It took 35 years to seek real help but finally did after years of stomach related illness. I was lucky enough to get a consultant that really cared and wasn’t prepared to not get to the cause.
I developed a strong relationship with him and one day he asked if I had suffered from abuse as a child. My reaction gave me away.
He then asked if I would be prepared to bring my wife with me next time and with his support I finally told her a few things from my childhood.
She had PHI through her employer and I was covered so she set the ball in motion to get me help. I’ve seen some of the most prominent psychiatrists in the country ( brought one of them to tears) and was diagnosed with the aforementioned conditions. Years of therapy have followed, I’ve had a few but am with one that has been with me for 5 years now, she’s my saviour and has only charged me a nominal fee since Bupa stopped paying 3 years ago. They did pay for 36 sessions which is abnormally long for them.
Since CV we have had to move to online sessions and they have become a real struggle for me to engage in.
Funny thing is after years of suppressing my abuse, it is sometimes now a relief to spit it out.
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Good on you mate - takes huge courage to bring things like that into the open.
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Yeah, survivor guilt, feeling responsible and abuser attachment are a thing. A powerful thing that had a strong hold on me for many years.
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@loo join in with the alehouse, even if you don’t drink or talk on it much it’s surprisingly distracting listening to a bunch of twats talking bollocks about the most random of subjects.
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Yes, it’s a strange and awful thing that people blame themselves for the crimes done to them, turn it inwards … seems irrational, but I guess you have to forgive yourself first - come to terms with the truth that you did nothing wrong at any stage, even the shutting it all away.
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I really don’t know what to say Paul. But as trite as it is, you are not alone. My early childhood was pretty bleak, with a violent, alcoholic father. Watching my mother being beaten to a pulp. Watching my sister being sexually assaulted. I’m surprised I’m not more fucked up than I am. My relationship with my sister and mother is well documented. It didn’t bring us closer.
My saviour was/is Narelle. Now she has a close relationship with the Black Dog. In the last few months, in giving her the support she needs, I have found myself on a downward spiral too.
This place is my support network, my escape.
I find myself venting on here (scroll up) and it helps me.
As Maureen mentioned earlier, CALM is a really good resource.
I don’t have any miracle cure or help. I can’t even sort myself out. Take care of yourself. Best wishes mate.
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I cannot begin to comprehend how you have got through life carrying this trauma. But you have.
Reconnect with your therapist, get a sick note from the doc and concentrate on looking after yourself and learning to rest again. You have people all around you that love you. While they may not understand (or need to), I am sure they will want to help get you back in the groove.
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Take some time for yourself and your family. Anyone would struggle with teaching this year.
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As a school governor, that can sod right off. Our (primary) school does not give out individual emails for teachers and there is very much a policy of having no social media links with teachers (we knew one of the reception teachers previously and came off FB when KettleJnr1 started). You should not have to deal with that, and I will personally slap any SLT that thinks otherwise.
Ok so not the main cause of some stuff but it will not help.
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I don’t know what to say that will add anything that’s not already been said above, except to reiterate that you should fuck the parents emails off right now, if Claire gets anything like that she just forwards it to her head of department, she certainly doesn’t engage with anything other than the most basic stuff from parents. As long as you are presenting your lessons properly and setting appropriate homework within the limits of the available technology then you’re doing your job properly. If the parents can’t do their bit then it’s them that are at fault, not you.
If you feel the need to take time off sick then do it and don’t feel guilty about it. Claire (again, sorry) is finding teaching online incredibly stressful, and having sat across the table from her over the past few days I can understand why, Teams can be really clunky at times and she can’t always get through everything that she would like, so she adds it to the homework she sets, with links to appropriate resources. She had a lot of time off with workplace stress a few years back, and because her college wanted to keep hold of her they were really supportive. She is still on a low dose of antidepressants as a result of the issues.If your school values you, they’ll look after you too.
Good luck Paul.
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Strong stuff Paul. Strong stuff. But you’ve got strength too. I can feel it from here. It’s got you this far and it will get you through.
G
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Thanks everyone. It has been a help reading the true humanity and care in all your replies.
I know the reasons that started my depression are extreme and horrific but I know I am also not alone in experiencing such abuse, fuck some children don’t survive.
However, I’m also constantly aware that depression and C-PTSD/PTSD are destructive conditions in their own right regardless of the situation or experience that led to their onset.
I appreciate the courage and openness of those of you that have shared their own experiences, it really does lessen the weight reading I’m not alone in that respect.
Sadly the emails are a consequence of the online platform and linked mail system we use. Normally I am very supportive of parents and I have always done the job for those children whose home lives fall short.
I’ve always chosen to work in areas of deprivation and never shy away from children who have been damaged by their upbringing.
These parents are not criticising the provision we are providing they simply fail with their parental responsibility, often for the same reasons they experienced as children. Poverty is a wheel of continuous shit.
This place is a little haven of ridiculousness, it’s not a hifi forum, it’s a support group for the disfunctional, with added coffee, food and shit shoes advice.
I love you all.
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I prescribe 10 minutes of Killing Joke, 4 times a day.
Seriously, I hope that you can find a way to a better place. Life is shit currently and it’s fucking us all up. It will get better. 
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