It was spoken not written, but to be honest it is pretty obvious he used the wrong word or it wouldn’t be in the cockpunching thread
Ah.
The twat of a landowner who’s cut this ditch right across a footpath
I came across it on today’s walk. There is a footbridge which carries a different Right Of Way across the same ditch maybe 200yds further along, but there’s no nearby ROW between the one I was on and the other one. I’d have had to hack along the field edge, which isn’t an ROW, either in the thistles or in the farmer’s crop.
To be fair I’d seen this new ditch before. It was being dug back in April when I last came this way, that time in the other direction. Then the machine that was doing the work was still there and there was a minimal tape barrier across the path. There was also a lot more water in the ditch so crossing it at this point was out of the question. I just assumed they were replacing the previous culvert and it would soon be back to normal. But it seems not. The machine and tape have gone now and there’s no culvert or bridge nor any sign of one coming soon…
Fortunately today the water level had been lowered by a few dry days and someone else has chucked a load of rubble into the ditch, so a dry-footed crossing was possible. Whoever did the rubble job must be more flexible than me though because they seem to have scaled the far bank without a foothold. I had to cut the one you can see in the pic because my days of being able to raise my knee anywhere close to my chin are a very distant memory.
Needless to say there will be a snotty e-mail to the county ROW officer as soon as I get the chance.
I did get across but the exercise nearly cost me dear in another way. That’s a different story though.
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TV Licensing twats
Knock on the door
Twat - blah blah TVL blah you have no TV licence for this property and have not responded to our letters
Me - what letters, I’ve only just moved in
Twat - we’ve been sending letters for 6 months and have now opened a prosecution case
Me - I’ve only just moved in
Twat - who was living here before
Me - no idea, all I know is it’s been empty for 6 months or more
Twat - you need to prove that to stop the investigation
Me - No I don’t, I’ve only just moved in so it’s not my problem
Twat - well we’re not showing a licence for this property so you don’t have one
Me - yes I do I changed it when I moved in 2 weeks ago
Twat - My system says there isn’t one
Me - show him the email
Twat - hmmm I’ll check that as our system isn’t showing one so at this stage you’re still under suspicion
Me - that’s because you’re all jumped up little cunts who can’t organise a piss up in a brewery
close door and chuckle
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I had a similar doorstep conversation when we moved in here (I hadn’t had the railing gates put up at this point). I let them go on and on until they said they were going to progress the matter and take me to court, at which point I said, ‘yes see you in court then, by the way I’ll be bringing this receipt for paying for my license 6 weeks ago, what will you be bringing?’
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I had that ackamaracka years ago. Said they would get a warrant to enter my home to check I had no telly. “Go ahead” I said. Heard no more.
For the seven years I was in my place in Oxon I received a threatening letter from them once a month, every month, for the entire seven years - usually they escalated the threat level over a 4 month period ending in a literal red-letter effort threatening imminent imprisonment, seizure of assets, hanging by the neck until dead, &c, &c, blah-blah…
Every few months, I used to paste their reply-paid envelope onto the front of a bag, fill it with all the other junk mail I’d received over that time, write on it “FUCK OFF I DON’T HAVE A TELLY” (which was true) in big letters, wrap the bundle in large amounts of Sellotape, and pop it all in the post to them.
No-one ever came to the door, no-one ever did anything, and the letters just kept coming…
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The house next door to us has been unoccupied for a long time. I clear the junk mail occasionally. I think the last time I counted there were 60 or 70 more-or-less threatening letters to The Legal Occupier (who doesn’t exist). There was one ‘Sorry We Missed You’ card with a hand-written time and date. A quick glance through the front window would have shown no furniture or curtains or carpets and a small stack of building supplies (timber, plasterboard). But still the letters continue to come …
Thicker than wood.
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VERY customer services.
Ordered a new fridge freezer. Today they attempted to deliver the wrong model, so I refused the delivery. Contacted customer services only to be advised that they can’t reorder & deliver the correct model until the one they sent has hit their returns warehouse, at which point they will refund me and then re-order the correct model… A process which can take up to 14 days!.. I raised a formal complaint… Yes, sir, we can do that for you… Expect a callback from our complaints team within 5 days! 
The couriers thankfully removed the old broken one, but I’m now left with a fridge & freezer full of food that’s gonna go off unless I eat like a Lopwell veteran for the next 48 hours, and a flat that looks like a social furniture bank warehouse!.. For how long I have no idea?
Wouldn’t be so much of an annoyance had it not been the clearing out & moving furniture to make room for the delivery & installation of the new cunting fridge that literally fucking put me in hospital on Sunday! 
…
CUNTS!
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Don’t know if it still is but TVL used to be run by Crapita, I was told it was one of the most lucrative contracts as they charged the dept for media for every letter, visit or investigation etc
Sounds highly plausible 
CP to me.
Properly fucked myself over on our stairs this morning first thing.
3 steps from the bottom my heal slipped off the edge of the step. Smashed my little toe into the banister upright at high speed.
Fucking hell did it hurt
Blood and fucked nail.
Wear slippers folks.
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Ow ! Ow, ow, ow.
You have my sympathies.
I wouldn’t rely on slippers though. I went off the third of our steps once, toe-down into the hallway floor, bent my foot back so far that a tendon pulled the end off the pointy bone on the outside of the ankle (so-called ‘avulsion fracture’). That hurt too, and I was wearing work shoes !
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I did something similar. Tripped over a vacuum cleaner cable, went sailing through the air and landed on my big toe. Broke it obvs.
Broke a toe once many years ago by tripping/kicking a stair while off my tits on 
… Didn’t even notice! 
Seriously tho’ you have my sympathies… It’s amazing how much pain summat as small as a toe can generate! 
Hummus?
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Guacamole?
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You bad boys 
You could always invite a few Lopwell vets over to assist…
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Open house, although you may need to bring your own Walkman as current arrangements make the concept of a bakeoff restricted to slowly defrosting gastro delights only! 
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