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#Groansworthy
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
āYou know what? No,ā said the executioner. āIāve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. Iām not giving you a thing to eat, weāre strapping you in and doing this now.ā
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said āOh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. Iām just a bad conductor.ā
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Boom boom, Basil
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English doesnāt mess about either:
Featherstonehaugh
Once a grand edifice.
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Right then! Brace yourselves for this, it is utter, utter shite.
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. āItās very brave of you to come out here,ā says Matthew. āPlease tell the audience what happened?ā
'Well," replies Simon āabout a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours butthey couldnāt save my legs.ā
āThatās terribleā says Matthew. āBut I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?ā asks Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: āThatās an unbelievable story. So tonight Simon, who are you going to be?ā
āTonight Matthew, Iām going to be Simon and Halfuncleā¦ā
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No need for VAR 
. Iām expecting a fine from the FA for conduct unbecoming after thatā¦
You know those jokes where you just know that somebody has thought of a completely lame, half-arsed shitty, punch line and then battled pathetically to concoct a no hope in hell, totally fucking imbecilic story to deliver it ?
Well, ā¦
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A flat-eartherās greatest fear is sphere itself.
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Tampax are replacing the pull out string with tinsel.
But only for the Christmas period.
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Donāt let others push you around . . . unless youāre in a shopping cart . . . that shitās fun.