Two pins and a piece of string is what you need
Now we have #Radio4Dave, #Radio4evenmoreDavefromthe30’sonwards,
and #BBCTVassumingyou’veAlzheimers.
Must’ve listened too long. 
My wife received a lovely jug from a friend. Unfortunately it’s broken - it fell off the chair while they were in a restaurant.
Now she is going on line to order another, just so that she doesn’t have to tell her friend that she accidentally broke her gift.
Cockpunch to absurd protocol and British manners. Or something.
An undercooked sausage seems to have done for me this morning.
Went out last night and decided to cook some sausages with Chinese -style curry sauce.
Will pull myself around sharpish and get on the buck fizz. You betcha.
my Sister in law gave my small gift to my wife to bring home… my wife tried to give it to be earlier this week, I said keep it safe and give it to me on Xmas day… well… she can’t find it and is adamant she put it in the bin!!!
Life will not be the same without a G&T lip balm…,
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Massive tit punch to my mother-in-law.
The single most ungrateful, spiteful old bastard I’ve ever met. Only happy when causing upset and misery to those around her.
And relax …
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Nice
Give her a stiff gin before lunch and a couple of sneaky mogadons with her turkey.
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‘Crabbit auld besom’ comes in so useful sometimes.
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The cunts who make unsalted butter. What the fuck’s that all about? It’s just yellow lardy grease however artisanal it’s supposed to be. Fuck off with it.
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Probably not seasonal,but can’t you go and brick the shop window from where you bought it?
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It’s useful for Croissants but yep not on bread
I didn’t buy it. It was left in a wicker tray full of other artisanal goodies (Mince pies, walnut loaf, cookies etc) in the place we’re staying in.
I’m more inclined to use the other c word 
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If the mince pies are dodgy,i’d suggest going full on dirty protest when you leave.
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Cake.
How’s your blood pressure then? 
Was having a great day until…struck down by Man Flu !!!
I had a tickly throat first thing but was feeling OK. Then about 7pm…WALLOP !
I’ll still have to go into work tomorrow. Fuck Christmas !!!
wish you better, hope it wasn’t the man flu I had that lasted 3 weeks
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too much food - no room for pudding