A decade or two ago Mrs VB had a soft spot for Cadbury’s Roses. She’d keep a box by the side of the sofa and eat two or three of an evening (I’m not joking - she’s infuriatingly ‘maybe, maybe not’ about foods that I find irresistible, anyway …). When the box was empty there’d be a few days gap and she’d buy another one. At one point I bought a large tub and hid it in the living room. I waited until she was about half way down the current box then each evening when she’d gone to bed (always before me) I’d put two or three into the box from the tub. It took her nearly a fortnight to twig that something was not quite right .
That’s nothing. I once bought Gillian a box of fantastic hand made chocolates (brought them back from a ridiculously swanky Parisian chocolatier). The following evening, having had a few sherbets, I scoffed the whole lot while she was in bed.
Took her no time at all to call me a selfish, greedy twat. One of those things that regularly gets brought up under ‘and another thing’ when we have an argument.
Think I’ll go for the Cadbury’s Roses next time. A softer landing…
when one of the cats did shit on the carpet, I threatened them with using their litter tray. Louise told me I was being childish…
I should have explained that this was after I claimed the cats understood every word I was saying, and after they looked at me quizzically when I stood in their tray with my pants down…
When I’m with the wife or any friends with long hair who have prettied themselves up and perfected their hair for a night out, I HAVE to blow at the hair to ruin it.
When I’m at my parents, when they get food out of the fridge, I put it back. If they put food away, I get it back out and put it on top of the draining board.
I like to put socks on my hands and talk to the resulting puppet friend out loud about how disappointing my wife is and how we shall have to pack our bags and run away to Zurich to be finally happy together - that’s usually after she’s tidied away my tools in the wrong place or has cooked something lovely, but turned it foul with chocolate or breeze block, whatever.
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