For Sale: Pack of 50 Turds


But only once (except for two, which have been used twice).

Buying this will give you instant access to the classifieds, saving you £20.

£40 plus postage.


Are they loose or solid?

Given time, they could be anything you want them to be.

Hmm, I don’t want to wait.
If any are like road tar I’ll take them.

Sir is very discerning.

Sadly, I’m out of road tars.

Could do you a couple of spongey floaters and an oil slick?

Not into floaters and to urge to for me to wait for the oil viscosity to thicken.

We got some specialist material…contents of two Siamese cats litter tray…

Feel free to use my thread to advertise - we could create the world’s first excrement supermarket.

OK, the second. I forgot about Asda.

Do you have any that resemble rabbit plips?
Failing that I’l have half a dozen of your finest, hard-to-push GNNNNNNNHH! Type please.

I appear to have underestimated the sheer diversity of my market - I just can’t meet demand.

Bear with me while I recruit some staff capable of shitting a variety of shapes and consistencies on demand.

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I’ll take these if someone can collect and deliver to me for free, between 7 and 8pm on a Tuesday please.


I’ll take all the smelliest, runniest and nastiest stuff you’ve got, please deliver in a very thin cardboard box to:

Richard Dunce
Bodgit and Scarper Ltd
A fireproof house


Sorry everyone, but penance has put in such a huge order that my army of professional shitters will be excreting at full capacity for the foreseeable.
Apologies to those of you who are disappointed.

In the meantime, I am exploring the migrant labour market with a view to adding some rare and exotic varieties to the current range. I have approached some premium Japanese suppliers, but am unsure whether the conservative UK market is ready for their more radical offerings.

Watch this space for my new Kondo range*

*Subject to licensing agreements.

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Let me know if there’s a market for peppermint suffused.

It is difficult when demand outstrips supply but at least you’re planning on getting extra bots on to help with production. If I’m happy with my first order I might well make this anti a bulk order for Christmas presents for my wife’s side of the family.

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Ah, in that case my new ‘Yule Log’ might be just the ticket - a gift which, at first sight, says ‘You’ re special’ but on first taste says ‘But not in a good way’.

Aldi are interested.


Do you use a turd twister?

Just to say, if any of you should need a polishing service then you’ll find I’m very reasonably priced.



can you mount and engrave as well?

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In principle yes, although environmental issues (swarf disposal) do tend to push the price up.


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