Your powers are strong… 
First time anyone has ever contacted through it !!
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Everyone knows your reputation and doesn’t even think of picking up the phone?
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Listen here you pasty legged fuck…all my work is guaranteed until the cheque clears.
I’ll not have my reputation besmirched. 
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Possibly they don’t want to disturb you on the bucket.
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The grunting and groaning noises would be spectacular listening.
pasty legged fuck…
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Self-control … blah, blah …leads to true happiness???
Explains why there are so many mardy lardburgers about these parts then.
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Yeah, but what if one spends years in meditation, cultivating an acute awareness of one’s true self, only to reach the informed conclusion that one is, deep down, a sad wanker?
I’ve yet to see a contingency plan for this disappointing eventuality.
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New sock (maybe made of cotton with some stripes), some warm scented oil and a change of flavour of porn. A contingency plan for every disappointing eventuality
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Sadly there is no contingency plan. We are dealt the hand we are given and must use it…oil or no oil
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We’re all just staring at one huge disappointing eventuality. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to find true happiness until one has truly grasped that.
But I am an unusually miserable cunt, so ymmv.
Why did you put ‘unusually’ in that sentence? 
Unlikely, we paved over my mind garden years ago to have somewhere to park the caravan. Also, I suspect he would prefer silk stockings to a sock, however stripey.
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What, you mean there are others just like me?
Oh joy, I’ve found my people.
Let’s get together and chant ‘meh’ until we are cleansed.
Shall I make badges?
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That strikes me as a very disappointing contingency for a disappointing eventuality.
Yours disappointedly
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Badges? Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!