What the hell are those?
Not a proper mince pie in there.
If you saw that lot at a service station,you’d be totally in the right to hold a dirty protest in the lobby to stop others entering.
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Embrace the stars; Icing sugar and nutty toppings..
Easy now
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They’re pure class…
I feel it’s best not to know - such knowledge can keep a man awake o’nights.
Now, in the interests of honesty, fairness, balance, and self-immolation, I must file a report:
I wantonly added a pack of these -
…to a recent online shop.
TL;DR - they pose as Premium, aspire to Average, but die of ennui in the foothills of mediocrity.
This is made all the more plangent by the fact they announce themselves to the nose with a convicing guff of authentic-smelling alcohol. The problem is it starts and finishes right there - it may as well be meths (and may indeed be…), because there is no follow-up of any kind, just a hollow, saccharine gobfull of fruit pulp, seemingly spiceless, and likely bulked with the kind of indstrial tinned apple sludge that Brunel’s grimy minions once employed for greasing the axle bushings of primitive broad-gauge coal wagons…
The pastry, avowedly, has less of a mortuary-pallor than many of its contemporaries, and even lurches cataleptically towards a hint of texture, before stumbling on its own cruel financial shackles and faceplanting into a freshly-shat mound of hot, steaming disappointment.
By the low, looooow standards of ready-to-run supermarket 'spies they are not, by any means, the worst out there, but they are poorer than the similarly-vaunted product from a mere year ago, and rather cheekily pimped out as a premium offering.
I know, right. How we larfed. My poor sides…
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I think just say No! ..
..to everything… peninsula folk …fenland pervs … …were all individuals! …
Did you try to resuscitate them by exposure to gentle heat?
That will come next* - it will improve things, but it’ll be gilding a dog turd just the same…
*And the fact there are 5/6 left upon which to experiment is sure-and-certain proof of their unconquerable banality.
Last time I experienced this setback, I prised the lids off; added brandy and heat treatment at sensible temperatures sorted it.
All about engineering! 
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There’s dusting. There’s a star/snowflake shaped lid and a fucking huge star shaped hole in them. Small wonder the mediocrity spreads inside aswell. A lack of craft & care. No doubt they’ll sell in places like Maidstone & Ashford where people know no better.
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If all else fails, drink the brandy. 
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Artisan mince pies are the future. Embrace it. Don’t fight- resistance is futile!
When December rolls around I expect to see you engineering a British Leyland approved set of pies 
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Having observed the shoe thread and now tartlets being championed as pies I have depleating hope that “Pure class” would be known or even recognized by all but a few here. It’s like the set of Thriller but fat version with worse dancing. (The Kentish Clogg variety I believe)
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Yes, the stylised anus in the middle is almost like their tortured creator’s subliminal confession as to their true nature…
I must admit my laziness and lack of self-respect in not crafting my own from scratch rather merits this punishment… 
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One doesn’t until December anyway. Now is the time for frivolous mockery of the commercial & compromised offerings.
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The planned build was cancelled last year, however I must build a Prototype Batch of Series 200 (Mince Pies) this year.
These planned units are likely to be tested by family in Belgium.
Technical details will follow in due course.
I need to invest in tooling.
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My mincemeat will be two yrs old next month.
Soon be time to boogie!
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The ladies of Waxy Towers made mincemeat last weekend. We then used up the rest of last year’s with an advance dozen pies, long since departed.
Shop-bought pies are for consumption off the premises only.
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