Smith and Sniff…
…that’s why I don’t use it 
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I think you should always check how a scent unfolds on your skin, spraying on a carton is not so representative.
Don’t try more than 2 scents at a time (on your wrist) and never spray over a part where you had another scent before.
(BTW, I prefer an unscented moisturizing after shave balm and use that in combination with an eau de toilette in case I wish to.)
I like classics (like Marbert Man or Drakkar Noir) that have been on the market for decades.
Depending on your preferences, try Cartier - Santos de Cartier, Ralph Lauren - Polo, Laura Biagiotti - Roma Uomo, Christian Dior - Eau Sauvage, Armani - eau pour homme.
Or vintage if you can find them: Lacoste - Original pour homme (green bottle, white plastic front/rear) or Estee Lauder - Etruscan.
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Obviously a continental type
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These are both very nice.
Karl Lagerfeld Classic
Mugler Cologne
I am quite partial to Cardinal by Heeley. Wife not so much. Got it from Fortnums and they gave me loads of little samplers too as I am very charming.
Noir de Noir of Fucking Fabulous by Tom Ford if feeling fancy. Or or small vial of something from a perfumer in France from last years holiday. All more to wifeys taste.
I would like to get some of that Hippy Rose by Heeley, as I quite like it.
When the monthly shower is overdue I resort to the ‘douche Française’ to mask the worst of the hogo.
This stuff is good value and doesn’t smell like a choking combo
of compost / flyspray / air-freshener like most do, and costs fuck-all -
Chest wig + medallion are of course compulsory 
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High Ambergris content or bust.
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Burrrrilllliant - Whale Puke For The Win!
Hmmmm…
Wonder if other pukes work?
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I like a bit of Tom Ford or Creed, yeah I know but they smell nice on me.
Also some of the bond st gang, Taylor’s is good Eaton Collage and Sandalwood also Floris 89, good enough for bond, good enough for me.
Speaking of bond I do like the cheap original 007 but it’s a bugger to find.
Issey Miyaki pour homme is good too.
Nothing earth shaking or eclectic or ironic just some nice stuff I like.
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So during the holidays I took the liberty of going to Liberty to check out this hitherto unbeknownst to me Elysium of aftershave.
It was a humbling experience. I wasn’t expecting to have my masculinity, sense of financial wellbeing and intelligence all questioned within five minutes of arrival.
Taking my cues from the Gentlemen of Distinction above, I started at the Frederic Malle concession. The assistant spotted the look of helplessness on my face as I saw the 10+ fragrances on display and tried to work out where to begin.
Sidebar, it seems like no-one uses the ‘Pour homme/femme’ labels anymore, I guess this is deemed sexist, but what it does mean is that for the uninitiated like myself, one now has even less clue where to begin. Not so helpful.
So she asked what I’d like to try and I explained my situation and that I had no frame of reference or technical vocabulary to deploy to help. I could sense her enthusiasm start to wane but she persevered on. We started with one, then I asked to try another very different one so I had something to compare to. She asked which I preferred and I said #2. I asked how she’d describe the differences between them and she said, ‘I’d say #1 is much more masculine…’. I laughed and said, ‘Yes, I’m definitely not masculine’ at which point she looked mortified and I had to reassure her I wasn’t offended and that indeed my wife would concur after the preceding night’s round of pegging.
I found the scent of each was quite different on the sample strips to my skin. I wanted to try one or two more as I didn’t love either of the first two but said I’d probably have to come back as I’d run out of body to try fragrances on! She looked at me like I was a fucking idiot.
Then I asked how much they were, and she said £250 a bottle. If I’d been drinking tea I’d have spat it out. I didn’t realise they were so expensive. I certainly didn’t like any of the ones I tried enough to consider spending that much (I had tried on Uncut Gem which I liked but not nearly enough to justify that price - I don’t think they smelt much more sophisticated than the mainstream brands). I made my excuses and left and the assistant looked glad to be able to move on to someone who knew what they were doing.
I then went to Le Labo but by this point my olfactory senses were somewhat knackered and I didn’t feel like I could repeat the process with another set of fragrances. Despite which the assistants were dealing with Serious Fragrance People who were asking for all sorts of custom potions to be procured. I tried a stock one, didn’t like it and left.
I felt a bit dejected. If I can only try out realistically 2-3 different scents on my person at a time, it’s going to take an age to find something I like. I’m also not sure I can commit to spending over £200 on a bottle.
However I then saw one can get smaller bottle sizes for a lot less, and given I’ll only wear this infrequently, it seems that’s the way to go.
A few days later I was in John Lewis and saw Creed - Aventus, which I know is meant to be popular. I tried it and it was quite nice. I got excited. Not tumescently so, but a bit. Maybe this in a small bottle could be the One for Me. However they then gave me a limited edition version to try, and I much preferred it - actually it’s the best I’ve tried so far. However they only do it in a standard bottle size and it’s £320 so forget that. Unfortunately it means I can’t go back to the standard one as it’s ruined for me now. I can’t spend what’s still a lot of money knowing there’s something else I like a lot more.
So the search continues. I have since done more research on the topic and have a shortlist of these to try:
Le Labo - Santal 33
D.S. and Durga - Bowmakers; St Vetyver
Granado - Boemia
Vyrao - Sun Rae
Comme des Garcons - Blackpepper; Serpentine
Veronique Gabai - Lumiere D’iris
I’m not holding out much hope tbh. I think I may be better off trying more of the mainstream brands where clearly due to my poverty of knowledge and state of finances, I belong.
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Can entirely sympathise.
And for the record: nothing butch-er than a pegging - “Taking it like a man” is peak manliness, obviously
Good fragrance explainer here.
And there are many online sample providers, for example, and indeed online blenders who can build something bespoke for you, at a cost.
Before setting-to, I’d suggest giving some thought to what smells you enjoy the most in the wider world: not commercial blended fragrances per se, but things - almost anything has its correlate in perfumery, so if you like, say, Lime peel, Lemongrass, freshly-sawn cedar, and peat smoke, someone somewhere will be making - or can blend - a fragrance resembling these things.
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or a £10 alum block that will outlive you 
Review of the year.
You should be offered coffee beans to smell in between choices to cleanse the nose. I’ve often felt the scent of minge would be preferable. This is why I want to go aftershave shopping with Mrs_Maureen_OPinion
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Subtle way of calling Paul a complete cnut.
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More smelly cunt but oui
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If you go down the man stank rabbit hole you will eventually run across the concept of ‘splits’ this is where some enterprising soul buys the 1litre vat of whale vomit for £800 and sells it for £100 per 100ml or whatever.
You don’t get the pretty box and bottle but you do get the whiff in manageable quantities for nominally less than retail.
There are fora devoted to this stuff.
The muff is ruff: we dive at five 
Those are a great, thanks for that. As it happens Liberty had some quite good guides that I belatedly discovered after my trip. The sample shop is a really good resource. I use one of those to discover spirits (rums, whiskeys, etc.) before buying.
That can help but the thing is it’s not just the ingredients but the way they’re blended. E.g. the Creed Aventus - the ltd edition has similar ingredients to the standard but smells quite different and much more complex/sophisticated, to my nose. Obviously I know to avoid things like rose petal which I know I don’t want to smell of, despite what Frederic Malle assistant may think.
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