Did they say the plumbing needed seeing to? 
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Not yet, but the boiler has developed a fucking leak over the weekend on the heat exchanger. So… I’m going to replace the boiler for them to sweeten the deal.
I would replace the fucker anyway if we had been staying here. That’s me … a consumate professional to the end.
They can fuck right off with any roof bullshittery tho as that seems standard practise these days.
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A new boiler would be a selling point for me if I was looking to buy.
Depends who put it in of course 
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Cheeky cunt. 
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He’s got point though 
Them … “Have you an electrical certificate?”.
Me… “No.”
Them…“Have you a building certificate for conservatory?”.
Me…“No. It was built prior to us moving here.”
Them…“Yes, but do you have a certificate of completion?”
Me…“No. You were our solicitors when we bought it eight years ago. Dont you have it on file? Perhaps in that massive pile of fucking paper over there? Just behind that mass of folders propped up by the filing cabinet?”.
Honestly, is there any cunting organisation that doesn’t fleece the living fuck out of anyone foolish enough to own a fucking house?.
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Possibly not. Today I found, while looking for something else, the original Energy Performance Certificate from when we bought this place.
Recommendations include, Floor insulation - estimated cost £4k - £6k - estimated benefit over 3 years - £186
Now, the cost against return is obviously ridiculous (and probably very wrong) but what the ‘recommendation’ fails to take into account is that it was carried out in 2011, as part of a major renovation to the property. It is well documented in the Home Report that the work was carried out.
They also recommend solar panels for water heating. Again, estimated cost £4k - £6k - estimated benefit over 3 years - £385
People pay for this sort of garbage.
Been there; you have my sympathies.
If it were up to me I’d fire them all into the sun.
edit: I suspect to this day that the moron’s inability to search through the pile of paper on her own desk cost me 4 months and 8 grand.
Isn’t this a job requiring a low-tech solution? When it comes to solicitors I favour the human touch provided by a healthy application of the birch followed by a trip though a wood chipper.
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Up to a point, I suppose so, but I feel the whole solar shot thing is more of an “ooh, aah!” crowd-pleaser.
I’m all about the visuals.
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You can do it yourself you know.
Fair enough but the sun tends to be a bit squinty for really spectacular visuals in my experience.
Having had the stupids and watched day time TV in the past I never quite understood why people sold houses by auction.
Maybe the financial hit is worth it when it is sold as seen and you don’t have to put up with all this cuntery.
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Importantly, you don’t need to do it well; indeed it’s actually quite hard to fire things into the sun. So the fun comes in how exactly, and how spectacularly, you fail.
The low budget might just be the spaceship blowing up on launch, but this could happen at a few km, or you could have a breakup on the edge of space and a whole meteor shower. And crashing into another planet on the way to the sun might not be spectacular, but it would be noteworthy, indeed historic.
Let’s kill all the lawyers
William Shakespeare Henry VI, Part 2 , Act IV, Scene 2
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I prefer a more tactile approach. Fib, tib, femur, radius, ulna humerus etc The order is not important, but you get my drift 
Then the wood chipper.
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I’ve been to the Slugger factory. A great way to spend a few hours (even if you don’t like Baseball).
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