THE 12 MONTHS OF BORIS…
January: No need to be alarmed. It’s a Chinese bug. We’re bloody British.
February: It appears that the Italians can catch it too, but they rolled over to the Nazis in the war so it’s to be expected.
March: Errrr, it looks like we can catch it after all. However, there’s no need to panic, just stay two metres apart and sing happy birthday whilst washing your hands.
April: We could do with around 60% of you catching it, but you’ll probably kill your gran in the process. This is becoming somewhat of a pickle we’re in.
May: Yeah, we’ve totally fucked it guys. It’s spreading quicker than a 5g conspiracy. Stay the fuck away from everyone unless you fancy popping out for a McDonald’s.
June: You can definitely maybe get away with sitting within a metre of a perfect stranger in the park, but meeting up with a friend will lead to certain death.
July: You may get back in the pub, but only for essential drinks. Feel free to chat bubbles with a random in the smoking area, but leave immediately if you see a member of your family, or face arrest.
August: Eat out to help out! Every single UK citizen simply must rush out to do all the things we’ve asked you not to do for the last few months. It’s your duty, and here’s a tenner on us for your efforts.
September: You ghastly, little cretins! Who the fuck told you to go out and spread the virus like that again? Have you listened to a bloody word we’ve said? Don’t even come at me with your crocodile tiers, bro.
October: Work from home again unless your place of work has a till.
November: You can go and get your muff waxed and do a bit of Christmas shopping with thousands of others, however, attendance restricted pubs, bars and restaurants still pose too much of a risk to mingle in.
December: Christmas is cancelled. See you all again in the new year for more absolute fuckery, you shower of cunts.