Just read that elsewhere. Life in solitary would be about right.
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Candidate one for a thorough punching to the vitals: graddy recruitment consultants on LinkedIn.
Herewith my tips for your profile photo âŠ
Yes please: shirt or blouse, trousers or skirt, looking directly into the camera
Not your graduation
Really, no caps and gowns
I know itâs a nice photo, but really, no graduation pictures please even if youâre smiling a lot
Not your wedding
Not your siblingâs wedding
Or you doing karaoke at the reception afterwards
No high school prom - your Dadâs bow tie makes you look about 12 (or maybe you are 12)
No selfies in the car - seriously, I can see the seatbelt
No cyber-punk outfits holding a nerf gun
And donât just send me the pro-forma âIâd like to join your LinkedIn network.â. I bet you would, because itâs full of people who do exactly the same as me. Send me something concrete like âIâve got this job, paying that amount, and that placeâ otherwise youâre going straight in the bin.
Edit: I completely forgot the âhere are my titsâ clubbing wear genre of photo. As interesting as I find your tits, theyâre unlikely to get me a job, so Iâm afraid theyâre a no-no too.
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And candidate two is the lummox who looked at my profile, saw that I bill myself as a Java developer and have obviously worked in the City for the last 15 years, and decided that I am obviously going to bite at the âopportunityâ of being an Oracle DBA in Croydon.
I donât know one end of DBAing from the other, youâre wasting my time and your own.
Which might go some way to explaining why youâve mailed me on August 10th to tell me about this job âwith the view to seeing people week beginning the 9TH Julyâ. You fcuking spanner.
And signing off âif youâre looking for either a higher, or lower amount to what is on offer then still get in touchâ really puts the icing on the turd. When was the last time someone said to you âthe job sounds good, but I want less moneyâ. Jesus wept.
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Twats on Facebook can have one.
Bloke at work alerts me to some hi-if being sold on Facebook just round the corner from our workplace. I donât do Facebook so ask him to pass on my details as I would very much like to turn up at the sellerâs house this evening/weekend and give him a nice wad of cash for them.
Sellers response -âSorry, I only deal with people who have a Facebook profileâ
Well, screw you then. 
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You will be assimilatedâŠ
Cock punch to visitors of our reception area who canât read the two big signs that clearly say.
âIf reception is unattended please pick up the phone and someone will help youâ
99.9% of our visitors manage to do this simple task when on the odd occasion someone needs to be away from their desk for 2 seconds.
Instead they march around the building shouting and banging on workshop doors (which are only openable from the inside so they canât get in and hurt themselves), then resort to ringing their boss (not us, who are here!) who then rings me to ask why his employee is being ignoredâŠ
Idiots.
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Set a fake one up saying you are a mass murder and highly unstable, currently very annoyed with people and just sharpening your axe. Suitable photo off the net of course.
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if they are repâs, just tell their boss they are full of shit, and you donât want to buy a photocopier, paper, phone system, or bog roll.
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Delivery driver with a lump of steelâŠfor a head 
Airport* bars can have a savage knuckle to the nethers. ÂŁ18.50 for a G&T and a pintđș . Thatâll teach me for having my first beer in months.
*Did I mention that Iâm off on holidays for a while??
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Why bother flying to Macclesfield?
Indeed, I didnât even know that Macclesfield had an airport to fly to.
thats cheap
Are you sure you didnât ask for a pint of G&T? 
Need a feckinâ mortgage for a triple. An oligarch might order a pint of G&T and a Muffin, but sadly I have to manage the holiday budget carefully due to the financial depredations of builders and plumbers.
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Ouch! 
I need a holiday.
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Weâve booked up again for Novembre.
Just thought Iâd mention it.
Iâm going in 4 weeks, god only knows I need it 
Honestly⊠all that getting up at the crack of lunchtime, drinking tea and fucking off to the builders merchants âfor materialsâ must take its toll.
Fucking builders.
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At the wedding, my father in law provided a photo collage of his son, the groom, with photos from his whole life, child to adult. I learnt that this was a thing that he kept updated and displayed in his garage.
He has one for his other son as well, but not for his daughter (my wife). He has one for his only grandson (my son), but not for either of his two granddaughters.
I donât think Iâve ever come across such an unpleasant example of casual but deeply personal sexism so close to home. Itâs almost more shocking that my wife has developed such low expectations of her father that sheâs almost completely blasĂ© about it.
Just awful.
Iâd start worrying if he started one of his son in law 
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